To give full credit or blame to one person for how life turns out, is unfair and ridiculous. The one I should blame for my wounds is Satan. He is the one who lies to me, manipulates the situation, and twists my perspective. Just as God is the one I should credit with saving and rescuing my heart.

I could give credit to the most recent person who has loved me and spoken truth to my heart, but that is too much responsibility for anyone to carry. Only God can hold my heart and guard it correctly. He knows what pressures will increase my dependence on him, the things that will finally release those last barnacles that are holding on. He knows the best way to remove the idols from the altar of my heart.

An idol I have struggled with my whole life has been marriage. When I was younger I made sure I would be married, to the detriment of many people involved. My marriage ended in divorce. Yes, I was very much in control of my life at that moment. I still desire marriage. But, God knows before I can open my heart to another man, it needs to be fully his. I can’t have remnants remaining from past loves. I have given so much of myself to various men in my life. I’ve become who they wanted me to be. I’ve done anything to keep them. To keep their love for me, all while, I was losing myself more and more. To the point I didn’t know who I was. So, slowly and diligently God placed thing after thing in my life to show me what I was and what I was not.
I’ve tried so hard to fit into people’s ideas of me. To fit into a mold that I thought looked good. I try to make things work, lopping off pieces of who I am and trying to glue, staple, or sew on these other appendages. I turn out looking like a monster.

So now I am truly trying to surrender what I think I should look like. To surrender what ministry looks like. To surrender my will to God.

​Because I’m just a stupid girl following a smart God!

Triggered, melting down, freaking out, tantrum. No matter what you call it, we all have those moments, whether you are 2 or 42. As adults we tend to navigate them a little bit better than a 2 year old, but not always.

While I was on staff at Trinitarian Church we had been discussing the idea of having a meltdown script. We started to use it when one of us was in the throes of freaking out and a few deep breaths didn’t seem to pull us back in. I say us, really I should say I or me. I’m the one that freaks out and has a hard time returning back to the truth.

So the idea is reading something I wrote when I wasn’t freaking out and had the ability to hear God clearly and can remind myself of the best ways to bring me back to “reality”. So what is reality? For me it’s realizing, I am in God’s presence right now. He’s not some far off God waiting to come down, he dwells within me. It’s realizing there are two of me at war within myself, it’s learning to give myself grace to stumble and fall. These are the statements that call me back to Jesus. These are the things that give me a reality check about what I want in life. Do I want the house, job, and kids (nothing wrong with that, if that’s what God has called you to!) or do I want to surrender my own desires to follow Jesus?

I wish I could give you a resounding, of course! I always choose Jesus. The reality is that I more often than not choose my own way. I choose not to trust God. I choose to provide for and protect myself. This is stupid. It’s like asking a toddler to provide for and protect themselves while crossing a big highway. They aren’t smart enough to navigate that by themselves. I am not smart enough to navigate life without God.

A phrase we try to repeat at Trinitarian is: “God you are smart, and we are stupid.”

Somedays I know it and walk in humility trusting fully in my Jesus to take care of me and guide me in the right path. Other days I turn from him and his truth and try to cross the highway myself. Sometimes I even make it across, but more often than not I get banged up as I try to do it on my own. Then I look back and say why did you let this happen? Well, you crossed without me.

Such a simple concept, and yet we’ve believed the lies that Satan has fed us that God is withholding from us, or that we don’t need him.

So what does your script look like? What calls you back to following after Jesus and trusting in him? Take some time to pray about it and ask God to help you write your script. He knows what will call you back.

I leave for France in under three weeks, and everyone around me asks if I’m excited about my trip… I hem and haw and say yes??? The reality is, no. In fact right now, I am not trusting that God has my best and is in actuality exiling me to France. I’ve recently said this out loud to my “family”. Luckily, I heard it as it came out of my mouth. My best friends, my family, my mentors, my safe place, the people that have called my soul into a deeper place with Jesus leave me this week. (Yes, I heard it, they are leaving ME, not following after God and going where he has clearly called them) And that, is how I have been viewing the past month or so.
Today during a conference a friend invited me to (IF: Gathering… Totally awesome!! Go find out more!) I realized my pattern of, shall we say “tantrums”, that I throw with God when I try to get my way. I start off with rebellion, pouting,  and self-pity and today I saw it. I must look like a little kid not getting my way, 38 and acting like I’m 3? Yikes! God’s grace never ceases to amaze me. He is so gentle and tender with my heart. He let me throw my tantrum… I have definitely been going after the things (bad moods, triggers, etc). I was seeing, but those pesky blindspots kept me from realizing the main thing that has been crippling me. So during worship (as so often is the case), my Daddy started to speak to me and brought over my beautiful Haylee (DTS friend) to speak truth into my heart. She showed me how I was trusting/anchoring onto my home, my church, my ministry, and my friends. I have been told this before, but it seemed to resonate differently this time… I can only anchor myself onto Jesus. This was a much longer and more in depth Word from God, but that’s the gist. I’ve been so angry at God because He was taking away my “safety”, where, really, he was removing an idol from my heart. I had and still have so much wrapped up in things other than God, I was really crippling myself. Oh, but what a generous God! Not only does He do what is best for me by removing my idols (painful as it is – since I’m trying to hold onto them), but he sends me to France. To study His word. So I know Him more. In France. What.Is.My.Life.
I love Europe! In ’98 I went to Bible College in Austria and I fell in love with Europe. I was able to travel to many place, but never quite made it to France. Look at His generosity. Oh, and more “family” is over in Italy and we may be able to meet up. Lord willing.
So many of my memories are of God taking away the people I need in my moments of crisis. The reality is God brought these amazing friends to help give me a foundation, then removed them as I became dependent on them and not on Him. See, people fail us, not intentionally, but they do. The things we set up in our lives fail. They are false gods that only bring a false temporary fix. God doesn’t remove them to be an asshole. He removes them because first, He is a holy God and he won’t stand for idols in our lives, but secondly it is from a loving father’s point of view. He knows what dependence on idols does to us. We live in a profoundly fallen world where stuff happens, we lose people we love, we suffer, we go through illness, pain..if we are dependent on others, or our circumstances…frankly we are completely screwed! They only hope and constant we have is God. He never changes. I’m so thankful He comes for our idols. I prayed that God would remove everything that keeps me from knowing Him more intimately. That keeps me from His best. That hinders what He wants me to do or be. In those moments when nothing of this world matters and I know I am His… I pray audacious prayers like bring me tribulation because I want to grow and mature in you! In the pain of God refining me I think I must have been crazy and I say j/k God!! But I get through it, over the little hill and I say yes God. Let’s go again. Next idol, I’m ready… Because I don’t want a safe, mundane life, I want Jesus! I want to be all God’s and go on all the adventures He wants to take me on!!!
So, tomorrow I say goodbye to my beautiful family that I love so much and finish prepping for France. I think I can finally say – I am excited about the adventure Jesus and I are going to go on together, France no longer feels like exile.

While praying about 2017 and asking God what he might have in store. I felt the words Adventure and Miracles. So, I started off New Year’s Day applying to a YWAM school in France. God’s been telling me for a while now to study His word. So, I’ve been reading more, I even borrowed a book on how to study inductively, but I never seemed to find the motivation to actually do it on my own. Then I received a message about doing a BCC (Bible Core Course) with YWAM in Kona (Hawaii), hmm, that’s an idea I thought, but kind of tucked it away. A friend was praying about moving to Hawaii and asked me to pray. So, I did. I started asking God what He had for them. God said I’m not telling you about them, but you are going. Wait, what? I was at once thrilled and panicked. What would I do there? Where did I fit? Then I remembered what God had been calling me into. So, I went online to apply for the BCC. Then I saw the one in France, clicked the link, read the description, oh my heart. NO! I’m going to Hawaii! I read the description for the same course in Kona…meh. I went back to the YWAM France website and thought, well, I’ll e-mail and see. Yeah, they responded in a day.

First of all, It was New Year’s, so I figured it would take awhile. Second, it’s YWAM, it always takes awhile! Right then, I knew. I applied, requested my references to fill out their forms, and was accepted almost immediately. I couldn’t believe it and I could. Over the past few weeks, I have sorted through most of my things, downsized immensely, put my car up for sale, and possibly have renters for my place. I have my plane ticket, and now it’s just a matter of finding someone to replace me at my job. (no easy task.. ha ha) I would like that to be soon, so I can start transitioning and passing on my information. God knows exactly how much time is needed to get everything done. D e e p B r e a t h !!

It’s a three month class, so I may or may not be home at the end of June. Last time I thought I would be gone six months and came back in three. So I’m learning to say Lord willing I will do this or that, but who knows what God has in store. Adventure! I know that for sure! When all this started and God said I was going, I fought it. I am comfortable here. I own my house, I have an amazing dog, really great friends (the kind that call you on your crap, and show up on your doorstep when you don’t answer your phone). I have a job, that may actually turn into something paid, and I’m good at it. Things at church are good. People are growing in their relationships with God and with each other. Why do I have to leave now?

I let the tears/words tumble out of my mouth while I sit and have coffee with my friend. Then I say, it’ll be fine, I trust God knows what is best for my heart, (something she has ingrained in me). She corrects me, and reminds me of how good our Father is. “No”, she says, “it won’t be fine, it will be good!” Yes, it will be good. Even leaving a friend that is constantly pointing me back to how good God is. A friend that has helped me to see God’s character like I never have before…Even that is Good.

Surrendering control of your life is hard. Letting God make all the decisions is hard, but it’s also the best decision I ever made! So I let go of what I think is good for me, and I embrace the things God says is good for me. Does this mean I’ll be happy, fulfilled, all my dreams will come true. Maybe, maybe not, but I know this next step will cause me to know Jesus more… and that is ALL that matters!

Yes. I’m still a missionary (just in Colorado instead of internationally.) I’ve been struggling to write this update. I’ve put it off for  5 months now. The fear of letting everyone down after coming home early and being a great disappointment has been so overwhelming, it hindered my ability to see truth. Satan is a crafty little bastard isn’t he? He knows just what buttons to push on me. I’ve attached so much of my value to what I do, and what others think of me that the thought of failing has become crippling. I’m so thankful for the people God has surrounded me with that tell me it’s going to be ok and see my potential and my identity in Christ (even, and especially when I can’t.)

Moving forward is scary. Leaving my protective YWAM bubble has been incredibly difficult and stepping into a leadership role is unnerving.. what if I fail? Ah, maybe it will be really good if I fail and God is still there – so I realize for real, He’s never going to leave me! Half of me knows this, half of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. If only my halves would get on the same page! Ha! I know, I sound a little crazy. That’s ok, this is the season I’m in.

I am starting an internship in Pastoral Care Ministry at my home church. Let me tell you about my amazing church. This is the place that God rescued my heart and called me back into ministry after 13 years despite my moral failings. He came for my heart and I was invited to walk into my messy, painful, dirty, shame-filled story. That’s what we do here. We help people to walk into their stories. It’s not easy, it’s hard work, but God is gracious and gently brings healing. We have a lot of hurting and broken people at here. Which is where Pastoral Care comes in, where I come in.When my boss asked me into this months ago I hesitantly said ok, then totally flaked out. It was way too scary, a few more months after much encouragement and leading from God to jump in, I finally said yes.

Beyond my insecurities is a genuine concern. I will actually be counseling people and walking into their stories, places that are raw, broken, and hurting. There could be real ramifications if I screw up. Not at all scary or daunting!  I have been reading in Numbers and Deuteronomy – The Israelites didn’t possess the promised land because of fear, instead wandered through the desert. Wow, God so clearly showed me my fear to walk into this, idols in my life I need to remove, and that I should go possess the land.“And you shall take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given the land to you to possess it.” Numbers‬ ‭33:53‬ ‭ESV‬  (awesome passage of scripture)

Rescuing the hearts of people is messy, painful, and hard work, but worthwhile! So, here I go. Jumping all in and trusting Dad to not only catch me when I fall, but to work through me, because let’s be honest the only thing I have to give people is Him… of course that’s all anyone needs anyway right?


PRAYER NEEDS: Please keep me in prayer. God is doing amazing things here and the enemy is fighting us every step of the way. The spiritual warfare is intense and it keeps us where we belong – completely dependent upon God! We need your prayers! Please pray for unity in our team, wisdom to work on what God is calling us to-not jumping ahead, to keep our hearts soft and sensitive to the working of the Holy Spirit and to be quick to follow Jesus’ lead!
SUPPORT: Just like when I was part of YWAM I have to raise all my own support. The reason behind this: our church is on the front lines. We are constantly outgrowing our giving here and much of our congregation are still learning about or are unable to tithe. The need for Pastoral Care here is very real, unfortunately our budget doesn’t cover all the needed staff, so we have many volunteers.  If you feel led by God, (guilted into it by my awesome letter-ha), or really believe in what God is doing in/through me here at Discovery, I would be honored if you would support me. 

FINANCIAL NEEDS:
Besides normal monthly expenses~$500, I also have a specific needs coming up.
$300 x 2 – Counseling courses. $200 – property taxes for my house.

For the past 6 months to a year God has been telling me to write. It’s amazing how fear can cripple you from doing something you truly love doing. The fear to write is well founded. I failed grammar in 9th grade and had to do summer school. I put commas where they don’t belong, or not at all. I love to write, it’s how I process. I’ve been avoiding writing, instead I started to walk. During one of these walks I was having a conversation with my DAD (God). I was angry and asked Him, what I was doing back here in Colorado instead of off on the mission field doing amazing things. What am I supposed to do now? Help, I’m drowning! He said write. What do I write? I don’t know what to write about. It won’t be good enough, etc. etc. He told me the writing wasn’t for others or to make some big impact. Writing is because He knows me, knows how I process, and knows what it will take to get me through this transition from YWAM to home.
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He loves me. He’s my DADDY and knows exactly what I need. (Good, Good Father by Housefires (listen to it!)). He knows my uniqueness, my story, and the lies Satan pours into my heart. He knows the things that bring out the best in me, bring healing to the wounds of my story, and most of all how to shut down Satan’s lies! Why do I doubt my Jesus so much? He’s always right. I’m so glad He is so patient with me and keeps coming after my heart – no matter how stubborn I am!

I tend to write novel length posts and with that in mind I’m going to try and keep things much shorter and on point. Jesus knows you, loves you, and will do anything so you know Him too!!

​Five days to go…
Yikes, this sure has come fast upon me. Yesterday was my last day in the office before leaving for my new journey. Tears have welled up quite a bit lately. I am so blessed to have the friendships that I do. Most of the tears have come every time someone says they are praying for me. Someone in battle on my behalf, well, I’m humbled.
Months ago I began to have a minor meltdown (they happen to me frequently). The only thing I could focus on was Christmas was going to be without snow. (I have since calmed down and realized the root of my “freak out”.) Anyway, since I will be away from home and missing my Swedish Christmas traditions, my Mom graciously agreed to have an impromptu Christmas before I leave. So today we decorated the house with lights and a mini tree. Tomorrow, we will have a Smörgåsbord of yummy Christmas foods and great company!! Tonight I will watch my favorite old movies (White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, etc) and probably even start packing my backpack for my DTS in Australia. If I have enough energy perhaps I’ll even work on making Vetebröd, but considering it’s almost 8pm I doubt that will happen tonight!
Australia for Christmas. Hmmm, Christmas on the beach, that might be fun! Well, no matter where I find myself I always have Jesus by my side!!!