To give full credit or blame to one person for how life turns out, is unfair and ridiculous. The one I should blame for my wounds is Satan. He is the one who lies to me, manipulates the situation, and twists my perspective. Just as God is the one I should credit with saving and rescuing my heart.

I could give credit to the most recent person who has loved me and spoken truth to my heart, but that is too much responsibility for anyone to carry. Only God can hold my heart and guard it correctly. He knows what pressures will increase my dependence on him, the things that will finally release those last barnacles that are holding on. He knows the best way to remove the idols from the altar of my heart.

An idol I have struggled with my whole life has been marriage. When I was younger I made sure I would be married, to the detriment of many people involved. My marriage ended in divorce. Yes, I was very much in control of my life at that moment. I still desire marriage. But, God knows before I can open my heart to another man, it needs to be fully his. I can’t have remnants remaining from past loves. I have given so much of myself to various men in my life. I’ve become who they wanted me to be. I’ve done anything to keep them. To keep their love for me, all while, I was losing myself more and more. To the point I didn’t know who I was. So, slowly and diligently God placed thing after thing in my life to show me what I was and what I was not.
I’ve tried so hard to fit into people’s ideas of me. To fit into a mold that I thought looked good. I try to make things work, lopping off pieces of who I am and trying to glue, staple, or sew on these other appendages. I turn out looking like a monster.

So now I am truly trying to surrender what I think I should look like. To surrender what ministry looks like. To surrender my will to God.

​Because I’m just a stupid girl following a smart God!

Triggered, melting down, freaking out, tantrum. No matter what you call it, we all have those moments, whether you are 2 or 42. As adults we tend to navigate them a little bit better than a 2 year old, but not always.

While I was on staff at Trinitarian Church we had been discussing the idea of having a meltdown script. We started to use it when one of us was in the throes of freaking out and a few deep breaths didn’t seem to pull us back in. I say us, really I should say I or me. I’m the one that freaks out and has a hard time returning back to the truth.

So the idea is reading something I wrote when I wasn’t freaking out and had the ability to hear God clearly and can remind myself of the best ways to bring me back to “reality”. So what is reality? For me it’s realizing, I am in God’s presence right now. He’s not some far off God waiting to come down, he dwells within me. It’s realizing there are two of me at war within myself, it’s learning to give myself grace to stumble and fall. These are the statements that call me back to Jesus. These are the things that give me a reality check about what I want in life. Do I want the house, job, and kids (nothing wrong with that, if that’s what God has called you to!) or do I want to surrender my own desires to follow Jesus?

I wish I could give you a resounding, of course! I always choose Jesus. The reality is that I more often than not choose my own way. I choose not to trust God. I choose to provide for and protect myself. This is stupid. It’s like asking a toddler to provide for and protect themselves while crossing a big highway. They aren’t smart enough to navigate that by themselves. I am not smart enough to navigate life without God.

A phrase we try to repeat at Trinitarian is: “God you are smart, and we are stupid.”

Somedays I know it and walk in humility trusting fully in my Jesus to take care of me and guide me in the right path. Other days I turn from him and his truth and try to cross the highway myself. Sometimes I even make it across, but more often than not I get banged up as I try to do it on my own. Then I look back and say why did you let this happen? Well, you crossed without me.

Such a simple concept, and yet we’ve believed the lies that Satan has fed us that God is withholding from us, or that we don’t need him.

So what does your script look like? What calls you back to following after Jesus and trusting in him? Take some time to pray about it and ask God to help you write your script. He knows what will call you back.