Exiled to France

I leave for France in under three weeks, and everyone around me asks if I’m excited about my trip… I hem and haw and say yes??? The reality is, no. In fact right now, I am not trusting that God has my best and is in actuality exiling me to France. I’ve recently said this out loud to my “family”. Luckily, I heard it as it came out of my mouth. My best friends, my family, my mentors, my safe place, the people that have called my soul into a deeper place with Jesus leave me this week. (Yes, I heard it, they are leaving ME, not following after God and going where he has clearly called them) And that, is how I have been viewing the past month or so.
Today during a conference a friend invited me to (IF: Gathering… Totally awesome!! Go find out more!) I realized my pattern of, shall we say “tantrums”, that I throw with God when I try to get my way. I start off with rebellion, pouting,  and self-pity and today I saw it. I must look like a little kid not getting my way, 38 and acting like I’m 3? Yikes! God’s grace never ceases to amaze me. He is so gentle and tender with my heart. He let me throw my tantrum… I have definitely been going after the things (bad moods, triggers, etc). I was seeing, but those pesky blindspots kept me from realizing the main thing that has been crippling me. So during worship (as so often is the case), my Daddy started to speak to me and brought over my beautiful Haylee (DTS friend) to speak truth into my heart. She showed me how I was trusting/anchoring onto my home, my church, my ministry, and my friends. I have been told this before, but it seemed to resonate differently this time… I can only anchor myself onto Jesus. This was a much longer and more in depth Word from God, but that’s the gist. I’ve been so angry at God because He was taking away my “safety”, where, really, he was removing an idol from my heart. I had and still have so much wrapped up in things other than God, I was really crippling myself. Oh, but what a generous God! Not only does He do what is best for me by removing my idols (painful as it is – since I’m trying to hold onto them), but he sends me to France. To study His word. So I know Him more. In France. What.Is.My.Life.
I love Europe! In ’98 I went to Bible College in Austria and I fell in love with Europe. I was able to travel to many place, but never quite made it to France. Look at His generosity. Oh, and more “family” is over in Italy and we may be able to meet up. Lord willing.
So many of my memories are of God taking away the people I need in my moments of crisis. The reality is God brought these amazing friends to help give me a foundation, then removed them as I became dependent on them and not on Him. See, people fail us, not intentionally, but they do. The things we set up in our lives fail. They are false gods that only bring a false temporary fix. God doesn’t remove them to be an asshole. He removes them because first, He is a holy God and he won’t stand for idols in our lives, but secondly it is from a loving father’s point of view. He knows what dependence on idols does to us. We live in a profoundly fallen world where stuff happens, we lose people we love, we suffer, we go through illness, pain..if we are dependent on others, or our circumstances…frankly we are completely screwed! They only hope and constant we have is God. He never changes. I’m so thankful He comes for our idols. I prayed that God would remove everything that keeps me from knowing Him more intimately. That keeps me from His best. That hinders what He wants me to do or be. In those moments when nothing of this world matters and I know I am His… I pray audacious prayers like bring me tribulation because I want to grow and mature in you! In the pain of God refining me I think I must have been crazy and I say j/k God!! But I get through it, over the little hill and I say yes God. Let’s go again. Next idol, I’m ready… Because I don’t want a safe, mundane life, I want Jesus! I want to be all God’s and go on all the adventures He wants to take me on!!!
So, tomorrow I say goodbye to my beautiful family that I love so much and finish prepping for France. I think I can finally say – I am excited about the adventure Jesus and I are going to go on together, France no longer feels like exile.

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