Surrender

To give full credit or blame to one person for how life turns out, is unfair and ridiculous. The one I should blame for my wounds is Satan. He is the one who lies to me, manipulates the situation, and twists my perspective. Just as God is the one I should credit with saving and rescuing my heart.

I could give credit to the most recent person who has loved me and spoken truth to my heart, but that is too much responsibility for anyone to carry. Only God can hold my heart and guard it correctly. He knows what pressures will increase my dependence on him, the things that will finally release those last barnacles that are holding on. He knows the best way to remove the idols from the altar of my heart.

An idol I have struggled with my whole life has been marriage. When I was younger I made sure I would be married, to the detriment of many people involved. My marriage ended in divorce. Yes, I was very much in control of my life at that moment. I still desire marriage. But, God knows before I can open my heart to another man, it needs to be fully his. I can’t have remnants remaining from past loves. I have given so much of myself to various men in my life. I’ve become who they wanted me to be. I’ve done anything to keep them. To keep their love for me, all while, I was losing myself more and more. To the point I didn’t know who I was. So, slowly and diligently God placed thing after thing in my life to show me what I was and what I was not.
I’ve tried so hard to fit into people’s ideas of me. To fit into a mold that I thought looked good. I try to make things work, lopping off pieces of who I am and trying to glue, staple, or sew on these other appendages. I turn out looking like a monster.

So now I am truly trying to surrender what I think I should look like. To surrender what ministry looks like. To surrender my will to God.

​Because I’m just a stupid girl following a smart God!

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